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| Lonely |
| 07.25.04 (5:40 pm) [edit] |
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I have an empty feeling in the middle of my heart.
I'm tired of being alone...
I need someone I can depend on to be here for me.
To have a family, holidays, nightly routine together, shared responsibilities and someone to carry some of this worry with me.
Anniversaries, a summer vegetable garden, pictures of us and our changes through the years hung on the wall when I'm seventy.... memories.
Someone to hold me in the middle of the night when I'm scared or worried.
Someone to help me with the kids school, to come home to and spill out our frustrations to each other of our work day. To hug and know that no matter what happened, it's all better now.
To know that when I'm finished with whatever I'm having to face during the day, I have someone to greet at the end of it.
Routine, comfort, contentment, familiararity, and everything that comes with sharing your life with someone whom you trust and love deeply.
And I'm not impatient... I don't want to settle, I want to know that I have these things with the right person... but it doesn't stop me from sitting here at night when everything is quiet, wishing I was curled up on the couch with my loved one, the kids in the bed after a great movie night, talking about anything, everything, and nothing with the person I am spending the rest of my life with....
It doesn't stop me from being lonely just because I'm in love...
I am in love... but I'm still doing all of this alone... I still don't have the famliy I sought out to have.
Tick Tick... I hear it in my mind... way back there... not my biological clock... but time,,, time itself slipping away from me... and remembering the time I've already spent.. the years I've put into trying to build a family to watch it fall apart each time in a moment, what took so long to build so easily is destroyed in an instant.. and I'm left with,,, lost time... again.
I've never felt my age... I've always felt young.. but the past several months I have felt old. It seemed that I had plenty of time... parties, hanging, clubs, another dead end date that I dumped, no problem, I was at the peak in my life that I could chill so it was ok...
but the last several months it seems not to be so. What makes such a difference? Just a few months on top of years, and I'm sooo old?
What happened to last year? It was like.. awesome...
Its a funny thing... time...
I didn't go to college... but it doesn't matter... it did back then.... I would like to.. but only for my own personal reasons... to expand on things I am interested in. But it's not what I focus on... I'm focused on family. Perhaps then it's all I could see because I was young and I didn't see beyond that... and now I see that I spent time thinking I had missed out on something when I didn't. And it's ok now if it works out that I could take some classes and if not... I'm no less of a person if I don't.
Perhaps these few months have been the beginning of my transition through that change of life we are all doomed to go through...
Perhaps not... perhaps I just see things that I've went through in a different perspective now that it's the past and behind me... and maybe I see things as important to me now that weren't so before...
I know that sitting at home tonight,,, I feel lonely.... and when I look at the past ten years... I have been so for the most part, when you consider what time I was in a relationship was wasted time, I find I am here... more alone now than I was when I was seventeen.
And when I wake up in the morning... I will get up,,, get ready for work, get the kids up, get them to my Mom's, go through my day... make a phone call to my boyfriend to tell him how much I miss him and love him,,, take my kids home and prepare supper,,, settle them into a routine to get ready for school to start back, and sit here again just as tonight,,, think about bills, think about the kids school coming up, think about when I was married and how much easier it was, miss it, write a little bit about my feelings and remember reading books at about this time with my husband before bed, and get ready to go to bed alone again. Not that I miss the person I was married to because I don't...maybe I used to.. but now I just miss being married... having a life with someone.. That's what I miss...
I miss not being alone and how good it felt to know that there was someone there that I could depend on. Someone who was there. The security... it is a helpless feeling to not have security.
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| I Believe... |
| 07.23.04 (12:29 pm) [edit] |
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Searching... such a hopeless feeling to search for something that your not really for sure even exists. A monotonous sense of falling into nothingness.
Faith... is there such a thing, some wonder.. I do sometimes... maybe not if it exists, but what's it's purpose? Perhaps to build our hopes in someone or something only to be disappointed if not destroyed in the end, because we believed so much in something we had no proof of.
Yet we search for things that we have faith exists. Everyday hoping that our beliefs will be validated and what we believed will actually be true all because we have faith that it was so... and to know that we were right all along makes it all the more reason to believe in the things we choose to believe in...
I believe in destiny.. even though I have no proof to validate why I believe in it.. it's just a feeling.
I believe in fate... I believe everyone crosses paths in life for some reason, although it's up to us to not misinterpret the reasons for our coming together. Even though I can't tell you why I believe this,,, I believe it.
I believe in God... that we are all a part of something much more than we can comprehend exists, and that the human mind is capable of so much more than we could ever believe could be possible, because we are all a part of this higher conciousness, but we have yet to discover or "evolve" this higher conciousness.
I believe that life never ends... that we merely move from one state of being to another. That there is a beginning.. that we were all created from somewhere somehow.. and that our energy travels eternally in some form or another. Perhaps more so than we comprehend as well.
I believe in Love... that there is a love that we can all hold in our hearts for our fellow man/woman and love them without judgement or discrimination. I believe that there is a love within us if we choose to just allow ourselves to do so, that we can love everyone as we love ourselves, and accept everyone as we wish to be accepting no matter how hard it is to do.
I believe in you...
Yeah ramblings of a pshychofreakyjasonchick I know. Perhaps more suited for the BitchyWitchy blog as it doesnt seem at all part of my dark side.. but this is where it has landed and so I will keep it here..
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| My Angel |
| 07.18.04 (7:01 pm) [edit] |
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Can I cut you? Was a thought in mind, a frustrated need to taste you, to have you, to feel you, and be you.
The need to release all that burns within me upon your skin, still overtakes me in great force.
My mouth waters, my skin sweats, my clit throbs, my heart beats, my wettness flows at the scent of you, a touch of you, the sight of you, the thought of you.
I close my eyes to dream of you, I open them to look for you, I calm my mind to think on you, you stir my thoughts just in your presence, when I am with you I block out everything else, when we are apart my focus is on the next time I shall be with you.
I consume myself with you, with your smell, your sight, your sound, your feel, every detail of your face, my hand upon it taking you in, running my fingers through your hair, feeling your lips beneath them, breathing you into me as every breath of life you exhale becomes a part of me, your strong shoulders as I rub my hand across them, the warmth of your side and your hip as we lay together looking into one anothers eyes and I explore your breathtakingly captivating features.
The hardness of you I feel against me as we lay closely hugged into one another, and I long to wrap you up and take you into me each and every time. I am warm with thoughts of you, of you and I together. Constantly in my mind, as if I'm obsessed, I am obsessed, and I long to be more so. To have you completely and entirely.
You give me life it seems, it seems you give me many things. You give me love, you give me happiness, you give me passion, desire, peace, tranquility, confidence, support, understanding, longing, hunger, comfort, fear, frustration, satisfaction, so many things you give me,, I believe you actually give me everything that anyone could ever recieve.
With you I am everything, without you I am nothing, with you I am complete, without you I am missing something, with you I am content, without you I am searching, with you I am found, without you I am lost.
I am at one extreme to the other. I am as high as I can be, and as happy as I have ever been, and without you I am fallen as low as possible, and more miserable than I could ever imagine.
With you I am,,, free... with you,,, anything is possible.
You are the most beatuiful thing I have ever known to exist in reallity.
And I am honored, gracious, thankful, and elated that I should have the fortune to experience such happiness in my lifetime, when others are so much less fortunate.
I love you, my Angel.
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| An Exchange of Bites |
| 07.16.04 (8:24 pm) [edit] |
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Charcoal clouds against a midnight sky,
The moon is full upon my eye,
Did you think you would ever die?
To beneath the earth at last to lie?
The smell of blood between my thighs,
Amongst the growling I hear your cries,
My untamed lover of the night.
A kiss, a sweet exchange of bites.
I hear your moaning pleasured sighs,
Your breath upon my skin so white,
Blood stained skin, a silent cry.
Bittersweet nectar mixed with wine,
Tonight at last I know you're mine.
Our hearts, our love, our souls entwined,
All in one eternal flight,
Just one moment, of forever's night,
Stay with me, my shining Knight,
My Dark Angel who gives me wings to fly,
And death will not pass us by.
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| Important *%&@#! Message |
| 07.14.04 (7:46 pm) [edit] |
![]() =http://img39.photobucket.com/...
Well I have been trying to get on here for the last *&%#@! two weeks to get this *&%#@! *&%$#@! Out of my head and now that I am finally here I can finally do it and the only thing I can say is...
F*$! It
F*$! All of It Cause I dont give a shit anymore...
:evil:
P.S. Excuse all the *&%#@! I'm at my Mom's and I don't want her to see me cursing.. :(
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| Alone |
| 07.05.04 (7:09 pm) [edit] |
![]() =http://img39.photobucket.com/...
A world full of millions of people
Yet we are all still alone
How is it that there are so many of us
Yet we all feel as if we have no one.
Even those of us who have others near us,
We seem to suffer the most in this contradiction.
We have loved ones, family, lovers, friends...
Yet we have no one at all.
What is it about people that makes us feel so separated from one another?
When if we open our hearts and our minds we would see that we are all so much more a part of one another than we reallize...
If we could each one grasp the concept that we are all a part of each other,
Disregarding race, gender, lifestyles, culture, etc.
And acknowledge that we are together,
Then perhaps that neverending hole of loneliness would disappear.
Perhaps we would reallize that our neighbor is in fact what we are,,,
To be alone in a world full of lonely people... how ironic.
No this is not a poem, and I didnt really feel like ranting or cursing or any of that dark silent screams that seem to spill out from this keyboard when I sit behind it...
But I did feel like just speaking for a moment..
I've been reading blogs..
And I guess the one thing that I see that we all have in common is how separated we all feel from everyone else... So we come here,,,
We release our thoughts that we feel we cannot share with anyone because we feel unacknowledged, unaccepted, misunderstood, or not understood at all... and a sense of loneliness.
We are not alone..
I am not alone..
You are not alone...
When will we accept each other and in turn be accepted and finally feel unalone?
If you reach out for me you will find me..
If I reach out for you, will you be there?
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